This Article was written in 2018. 

Around 20 I was diagnosed with a condition and referred to a surgeon who proceeded to tell me, I would need to have an operation which would cause permanent and unpleasant side effects. Being naturally curious, determined, justifiably terrified, humiliated and not at all on board with the permanent side effects, I got on the internet and researched 'cures' for this diagnosis and came across Traditional Chinese Medicine and Acupuncture (TCM). 

I found a local Acupuncturist in Geelong and began a foray into what became years of regular treatments for everything from illness, to menstrual pain, to stress, to skin conditions to colds and flu.  I had no idea really what was going on but what I did recognise, from the first treatment, was improvement in my symptoms. At that time, I had not done much study into the body and had no real expertise in healing or understanding of TCM, but what I did innately know and what made sense to me was that our bodies could heal, could change, could transform on the outside and the inside. After all, how could a cut heal or a broken bone or a muscle tear but not the interior of our body? The surgeon in question did not share my view and treated me as though that part of my body was forever broken, maybe it could be 'taped up' but in a way that would exclude full functionality, and affect other parts of my body, for my whole life. 

On the other hand, the acupuncturist I consulted, considered me as a whole person, assessing my overall state of health and wellbeing from sleep to digestion through to my mental and emotional state and adjusted her treatments as needed. My condition improved dramatically.  At the time I was also suffering from undiagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) following the sudden and overwhelming death of my younger brother. I did not rationalise that I had PTSD until training in Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy much later. 

Fast forward to 2009 and in the midst of a yoga immersion with Matthew Sweeney following 11 years of yoga practice which had been a balm following my brother's death,  offered a somatic meditation technique.  I had utilised meditation techniques focussing on the eyebrow centre for many years and found that I was able to focus and feel some stillness in my mind.  But this was different, he asked us to notice what we were 'feeling' in our bodies.  As I tried to feel what was in my body, I realised I could not 'feel' anything.  I had no idea how I was supposed to feel sensations in my body and I was not offered a way that I could do that.  As far as I could tell, there weren't any sensations. This was a bolt of lightning and threw me for a six and I've spent the years since then curiously exploring what it is to feel into my body from studying and practicing somatic meditation with Dharma Ocean, exploring sensation while practicing yoga and exploring sensations with gentle curiosity through Constructive Rest Position (CRP) from the teachings of Liz Koch. 

I dove deep into exploring techniques for feeling and sensing the body and I started to feel things and then notice how I transformed mentally and physically as a result.

For example, I had experienced sciatica for years on and off and tightness and restriction that made certain yoga poses inaccessible despite ongoing training.  I'd have an adjustment with an osteopath or chiropractor and would feel freer for a day or so, but then it would just snap back into the tension pattern. 

When I began regularly practicing CRP and the 10 points practice from Dharma Ocean, I noticed first that my right psoas felt like it wasn't there while the left was.  Over time, I started to experience more sensation in that area like it felt like a hard metal ball, or a twisted branch, or pulling up into the sitting bone.  Once I noticed with curiosity and without assessment, over time, I experienced spontaneous softening of the area and my symptoms of pain and sciatica dissipated.  Then, when I began my study of Biodynamic Craniosacral therapy (BCST) I learned the theory about why I had not been able to feel my body.

Through BCST I really experienced the sensation of my body for what in some cases felt like the first time, from the skin, to the bones, to the organs, to the vessels, to the cells, to the fluids, to the ligaments, to the connective tissues. I experienced profound changes in what I could feel, followed by the transformation of tension, changed mindset and reorganisation of my body, mind and soul as a whole. 

The reason I had not been able to feel my body was because I was dissociated.  During my BCST studies, I recalled that when my brother died, I had felt a swirling of clouds of cotton wool embracing my body, I felt as though while I was dreaming I was awake, and while I was awake I was dreaming with a host of related symptoms for years including overwhelming emotions, feelings of helplessness, digestion and sleep issues, menstrual pain, agoraphobia, lack of boundaries.... and much more. 

Dissociation or freeze is a healthy response that the brain has to protect us, as an organism, from experiences that overwhelm our resources - 'trauma'. When it occurs, it is like our sensations and parts of our body, or in some cases the whole body, are packed up in a box and popped away in a dark closet until we are able to process the experience.  It feels like we are out of our body, or that things are not real, or we may feel foggy, or exhausted or easily upset, and numerous other 'symptoms' including chronic pain or tension.

Processing experiences that have been overwhelming happens when we feel safe, ie, our reptilian brain indicates that we are safe and turns off the freeze response so that the suitcases can be unpacked and cleared.  Coming out of dissociation does not mean reliving the experience, or even retelling the experience. It is not a process of our thoughts or analytical mind but a letting go of tension (unconscious action) that has been held in the body.

In my experience as a practitioner, student and client of Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy, sessions with an experienced, resourced and professional practitioner are profoundly effective in enabling us to safely feel our bodies and to support the reorganisation and healing (to make whole) of trauma and dissociation so that we can begin to live again as a whole being, aware of ourselves, aware of each other and our environment. 

The potential side effects of BCST for me and many clients and fellow practitioners have included expanded awareness and understanding of our whole body, mind, beliefs, thoughts, learning to resource ourselves and process experiences in the present moment, alleviation of ongoing symptoms such as chronic pain, improved sense of self and self esteem, improved sleep patterns, overall sense of wellbeing and connection and so much more.  Most of all, in a BCST session, you are not assessed as parts or as a condition or diagnosis but as your whole self. 

We all have an innate healing ability that is as innate as the forces that created us and the whole universe. The body heals, when we are able to feel and sense what is going on in the present moment. Healthy, permissive, gentle touch is a powerful and basic human need and when safe, impartial space is held for you to be with sensations that were once overwhelming, it is amazing what can happen.

I offer sessions in Torquay, Wadawurrung Country - book here.